Hilarious "application" I found on the web... God I can totally relate to that, my dad IS that protective:

Application To Date My Daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH __________
2. HEIGHT __________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______
G.P.A.______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # ____________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK__________
5. HOME ADDRESS ______________ CITY/STATE _________ ZIP ________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE
parent?___________________________
If No., EXPLAIN ___________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married
___________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? A ___________________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises )
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to
you?___________________________
10. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? ___________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does ''ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ___________________________
12. Church you attend ___________________________
How often do you attend ___________________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ___________________________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is
___________________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
___________________________
c) A woman's place is in the
___________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
___________________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her Is
___________________________
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
___________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, & CHINESE WATER TORTURE .

___________________________
Signature (That means your name, moron)

Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).

Ode to Coffee

Caffeine caffeine the wonderful drug
The more I drink the more I wake
And realizes tis not too late
To learn that thing called law

Caffeine caffeine the wonderful fiend
The sweet nectar that doth hearts wound
Desire, distaste my heart doth waiver
Into its sweet debauchery

Caffeine caffeine the wonderful remedy
The more I consume the more it consumes me
Makes me write an ode for thee
In the wee hours of morn I do concede

The above poem is written in the makes-no-sense pentameter, each stanza consists of random rhyme and sound…this is after all, 4 in the morning…
*disclaimer: an ode is usually a lyric poem long in length, usually of a serious or meditative nature and having an elevated style and formal stanzaic structure. Some examples are choric song of classical Greece, often accompanied by a dance and performed at a public festival or as part of a drama. Or a classical Greek poem modeled on the choric ode and usually having a three-part structure consisting of a strophe, an antistrophe, and an epode.
This poem is neither of the above, but I’m calling it “ode” anyhow, because I can.

It’s the weirdest thing… I freak out so much about finals every time I’m by myself facing a mountain of books, outlines, and notes that I hyperventilate, and yet I study with a couple of comrade in arms that calms me down from all of that nervous breakdown and makes me less stressed. Maybe I feel better because they’re suffering with me… and maybe the shibboleth of “misery loves company” is true. It’s great.
Ps: I am so proud of myself for using my “word of the day” word(s).

I'd like to share a little insight on how I feel after my second final in the form of a deep, award winning poem I like to call: Goodbye scholarship, welcome debt.

Took my property
Took my crim
“Oh” I sighed how my life looks dim
I’m hanging on now by a dangling thread
The line between sane and well is blurred at best
Soon it will be over and I will bet
Goodbye scholarship, welcome debt.

The One

S asked me today, “How do you know when someone is ‘the one’?” While I am flattered (I must be doing something right) that I’m the askee (my brain is still in property mode), I don’t know the universal answer to that one (whoa, exam flashback). But I can offer you some thoughts on the matter:

The Utilitarian:
Do a cost-benefit analysis. If giving him/her up will cost pain and the pain outweighs the pleasure of dating other people, he’s probably your best bet.

The Romantic:
If he’s the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and the first when you wake up in the morning, he’s probably “the one”.

The Pragmatic:
If he is financially stable; if your personalities blend without much conflict and you see him raising your children, paying your bills…he’s a safe choice.

The lover:
If you love him with a selfless kind of love; if you can’t picture spending your life with anyone else but him; if you would, in a heart beat, give up your life for him, then you’ve probably ceased asking the question “is he the one?”

Sleep talking is the funniest thing. My boyfriend came to visit me and got way too bored while I slaved over crim law. He took a nap and eventually I tried to wake him up so he can suffer with me. I shook him once, I shook him twice, and finally he opened his eyes frowning, obviously annoyed, waving his arms to shoo me away saying, “I already gave you the clock! I gave it to you in the Plaza!” Wha??? “what clock honey?” “where are we?” I could not stop laughing, it was so funny. Yet him, even more annoyed at me laughing at him, waved his arms wildly to shoo me away some more and said, “it’s in the Plaza, I don’t want to talk to you anymore.” Huh? I still want to know what plaza he’s talking about, and what clock?

"what the world needs now, is love, sweet love. That's the only thing, that there's just too little of...lalalala"


Aphrodite/Eros


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

A QUICK UPDATE

Ok, for those of you who haven't heard from me in like a month, i must apologize, I am currently trapped in the 9th level of purgatory - finals. So for those of you that are wondering if I am still alive, here's a quick update:

Gay Porn Shop

So there I was, on a mission to find a video store that doesn't charge you over 4 bucks for a lousy film, and a new movie store I did find, a very pretty purple one in Hillcrest! I walked in and started marching up and down the isles when I noticed that there were many columns labled "gay interest". hmmmmm...me thought, this is a very liberal video store... so I march down and about some more slowly realizing that it's all gay interest. Finally I turned around facing a couple of employees looking extremely puzzled asking me, "uh..can we help you?" relentless and a little indignant (what? just becuase I'm a woman I can't be interested in gay porn?) I asked him loudly, "do you carry Scary Movie 2?" with their faces frozen in a look of bewilderment, they answered, "no Miss, you're in the wrong place". I politely said thank you and walked out with whatever dignity I had left...

Pencils

I never played that game, pencils. Apparently it's real big with 8th graders. So my friend in law school introduced this game to me (law school isn't very much different from 8th grade I suppose...) and I was just amazed (a toy disguised as a writing instrument!) And since he can break a pencil in one try, I thought I could too. So with my weapon in hand, I bravely charged at the other pencil, and then I saw it! I saw my pencil flying closer and closer until the shap pain in between my eyes tells me that something has gone really wrong, and that's when i realized, the shibboleth of "you'll poke your eye out" is a truism...talk about life lessons you learn in law school...

Hidden historical facts that people never knew:

Emily Dickenson secretly went to law school...she must have, she knows exactly how we feel...

Wow, I learned a new word today! I've never heard this word before, here it is:

Word of the day:

shib·bo·leth ( P ) Pronunciation Key (shb-lth, -lth)
n.

1. A word or pronunciation that distinguishes people of one group or class from those of another.
2.
1. A word or phrase identified with a particular group or cause; a catchword.
2. A commonplace saying or idea.
3. A custom or practice that betrays one as an outsider.

Here's to the past 3 hours of my life...

SUCCESS is counted sweetest
By those who ne’er succeed.
To comprehend a nectar
Requires sorest need.

Not one of all the purple host 5
Who took the flag to-day
Can tell the definition,
So clear, of victory,

As he, defeated, dying,
On whose forbidden ear 10
The distant strains of triumph
Break, agonized and clear.

Thoughts on property exam...

WHILE I was fearing it, it came,
But came with less of fear,
Because that fearing it so long
Had almost made it dear.
There is a fitting a dismay,
A fitting a despair.
’T is harder knowing it is due,
Than knowing it is here.
The trying on the utmost,
The morning it is new,
Is terribler than wearing it
A whole existence through.

Emily Dickinson (1830–86). Complete Poems. 1924